I wrote the blog post below at the end of September/beginning of October 2016. I stumbled on it this week and felt it might be worth sharing now that I'm in a better place, almost a year later. As I sit in my cottage in NS on a rainy day and reflect, I am filled with gratitude for those who have loved and supported me through this massive change. A tiny glimpse of a piece of my journey last fall is outlined below.
Life has been pretty rocky lately – series of unknowns, gigantic changes all at once and I know many people are going through uncertain times and facing a lot of change. It's rather nuts.
My situation is changing pretty drastically. After many happy years together, Pete and I mutually decided it was best if we separate. We want nothing for each other but happiness, but it is hard to watch your best friend be hurt and process all of the change.
People genuinely don't know what to say to you when you're going through something like this and I admit I've been on the other side of the coin a few times. Especially when you're both still great friends, and you care and want the best for each other – it isn't the norm. I'm grateful we have both had a lot of support and our families have been good about it all, but there certainly have been moments of crying in a ball on the floor, wondering where my life would take me, why so many things would happen at once (family illness, separation, moving, changing jobs, kitty diagnosed with hyperthyroid, and more), etc.
Doing the right thing isn't always easy. Change and growth is hard. Pursuit of happiness, fulfillment and life purpose? It is worth it.
Have you ever seen Monsters Inc? You know how on the scream floor they have #ofdays since last contamination with a child? I kind of feel like that lately with having rough days. It's like I keep resetting everytime I have a day where I cry… and so far I haven't been able to get past 1! That sounds really depressing, but in all honesty, I feel like everytime I do have a breakdown I'm letting out bottled up emotion inside of me and I feel better and stronger once it is outside of me.
Also, I am glad that Pete and are getting to the point where we can sort of laugh at ourselves as we go through this. He says to me yesterday (Tues Sept 10), oh.. our split is old news now – look who just filed for divorce from Brad Pitt! Lol. I never wish any sort of harm or negative energy on anyone, but I did have to laugh when he said it.
Today is Sunday, my last in Annapolis, and I woke up thinking how much our attitude has to do with how we adapt to change. So many things have happened in the past few months that I could look at them as bad things – separation, moving away from friends, giving up full time music stuff, hyperthyroid condition for my kitty, inventory to move internationally, family sickness, catching a bad cold on my last week in Maryland, and more. When it rains it pours on the change front.
However, if I look at all of this stuff on the flip side in a more positive, possibility-like view, then I have: opportunity to still be amazing friends with Pete, opportunity to start fresh in a wonderful city, in my home country with many great friends there to support me and the ability to come visit my friends in Maryland anytime because I have a car! I'm super grateful to be going back to a good paying job where I can sing and teach music on the side – I'm certainly not giving up on that dream just yet! My kitty having hyperthyroid isn't awesome, but her happiness and health mean a lot and we've noticed in just a week of giving her pills how she seems much happier – yeah! Getting a cold sucks, but I am young, relatively healthy and still have the ability to exercise. After all the health scares in my family this year, I'm extremely grateful. Doing inventory is possibly the most tedious thing ever, but going through all of my stuff has reminded me of all the great memories that Pete and I have had together, I can clean out things I no longer need, donate much of it to people we care about it and take with me the stuff I want to keep. After 7 years in one place, purging is rather cleansing. All of this while tough emotionally (trust me, this hasn't been easy) has been a growth experience, one I am grateful for.
Perspective is something that I've long thought was important – I pride myself on trying to understand other people's points of views and giving them the benefit of the doubt with their actions that they are doing the best they can. Having a positive lens on our perspective in life can make all of the difference.
Fast forward a week. I've just finished my move yesterday, the packing/loading. I prayed for it to be a good day and it really was. The team of people packing from Movers USA were awesome. And then Pete and I ate 5 guys burgers, and then I spent 5 hours at Ram's Head in Annapolis catching up with people I have grown to love over the past 7 years. Waves of people kept coming and going and I felt really loved and that I'd be missed. It was really wonderful to spend time with people. I was exhausted when I got home but it was a good day.
Today, Friday, is one of my last few days in the US – with the change in everything here in my move schedule (can't cross the border until Monday am with my car), I have an extra few days for which I'm grateful. It's all still very surreal. Zoe has no idea what is happening. I have so many mixed emotions leaving, but I know I'll be back to visit and Pete and I will still be friends for a long time, so it is a little less hard to think about starting over. I would like my heart to heal and I need to get myself back into shape and eating well again – this month has been a write off.
It's Sunday October 2nd and today was the hardest day of my life. I said goodbye to my kitty, my home for the past 7 years and my partner of 15 years, with a boatload of tears, hugs, and views of pretty water in Annapolis. We had a great last few days together, Double T diner dates, hanging out in our neighbors hot tub, and reminiscing the good times. As I packed my car full of the last of my belongings, I was grieving but also had a faint sense of excitement in looking towards the future. My friend Molly came out to say goodbye with some pastries and it was so wonderful to see her. Pete and I walked downtown Annapolis and the sun came out for the first time in 5 days. We spent some time on the dock drinking tea and looking at crabs, and we also watched the boats from our neighbor's deck. As I drove away with tears streaming down my face I couldn't believe what was happening.
Then I was driving through the Pennsylvania hills and I thought of how the weather and the hills were like my emotions over the past few weeks – ups, downs, foggy (have to have faith this path is the right one without seeing where you're going), bright sunshine, pink sunsets, and lots of rain… like my tears. The whole gammut. I'm now in my hotel, drinking a glass of wine and writing my thoughts for the day. I can't believe this day is almost over. It's all so surreal. Tomorrow I go back to Ottawa, get to know my neighborhood, sign for my apartment, see my friends and start a new new chapter in my life.