It has been just over 6 months since I’ve written on my blog. As I sit here eating a poutine with a glass of pinot grigio (classy), I realize how bizarre that is since I normally use my blog as a way to process my thoughts and feelings about life, as it relates to my musical journey. Perhaps that’s the challenge, as I haven’t had much singing or music in my life as of late.
There’s been a lot of change in my life since the new year – kitties, an opera performance in February, a giant work conference I was responsible for leading in May, finishing up a job that I loved shortly thereafter (a job that gave me so much joy upon my return to Ottawa), a move from my cozy little apartment in the market to a little house with my kitties and boyfriend, and finally, French training. I stopped teaching singing in January to give me room to breathe with the opera rehearsals, work and conference prep, and I never re-started it again. Truth be told I really miss it, but it was too much on top of a full time job and everything else happening in my life.
Today I’m struggling with balance between all of the things I want to do in life – singing, teaching, career in IT, home and social life. I struggle with anxiety at times over how much has changed in such a short time and how I can’t keep up with all of my friends and the people I want to here in Ottawa. I’ve had to learn how to do less and focus on staying true to my emotions and how I’m feeling without guilt. I reach out when I can and hope my friends understand. It’s hard. I’m not good at it.
I realized tonight that the situation I’m currently in is bizarre – like a hybrid of my musical and IT lives. I’m currently spending my days learning French, to obtain the levels I need to move up in the government. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do, and it’s finally happening! It’s challenging, as it is one-on-one training, with the same teacher all day for 7.5 hours. Fortunately she is patient and super amazing. I am loving my time learning thus far, as well as being downtown Ottawa for the summer, and cannot imagine how some people detest their time away from work for this amazing opportunity. It blows my mind, especially as someone who knows how much people in the opera world would kill for the opportunity to be paid to learn a language.
Speaking of the opera world, I’m super jealous of all of my friends who are currently in Europe (Sicily, Tuscany, Germany, ++), traveling, singing and training. I really miss that part of my life. The three summers I spent in Italy taught me so much about myself, as a human and an artist. And oh man, the food and wine – hot damn, do I ever miss that!
Continuing on the opera world theme, last weekend I attended the wedding of a dear friend of mine, Laura. We bonded years ago during rehearsals for my first professional opera with Opera Delaware. I was thrilled and shocked last summer when she asked me to be in her bridal party. The day was absolutely perfect and I was so honoured to be part of it! I’m so happy for her and her new hubby Adam!! 😊 During their wedding festivities, I had the opportunity to sing, and I realized how much I miss that part of myself. I sang a duet with one of my closest and dearest friends in the world, and sang a few other numbers with a new friend! It was fun and made me realize that I need to take action to get back into singing more again. I’m just not sure how. Or when. But I’ll figure it out. I hope.
Do you ever feel stuck between a rock and a hard place? I sometimes feel that in the classical music world, as soon as you stop singing 3-5 times a week and doing gigs, people assume you’re out of the game and stop considering you for performances. That’s hard to swallow at times when you’re trying to juggle various pieces of your identity. Lately, I feel like I’m no longer a “real” singer. I ask myself regularly who I am and what I’m meant to do and the truth is, I have no idea anymore! At one time, I thought I knew what I needed to do to fulfill my soul, but I no longer feel like I know what that is. It’s frustrating and a bit weird.
I’ve turned back to yoga and meditation since I’ve moved and I’m going to try and ground myself now that things are a bit more settled. I’m starting to wonder if my life will ever be ‘normal’?! Perhaps normal is boring and all of these changes and challenges are meant to push me to be super strong, the best version of myself. Fingers crossed. I gotta have faith. Forte. Back to my tattoo.
As always, I’m grateful to the people who have believed in me, lifted me up, supported me through tough times, and those who have helped remind me who I really am and what I am capable of. I am not sure where I would be without the generosity of so many. Thank you. 💜🌷
Thanks for reading. Wishing you love, light and happiness always.